Monday, November 06, 2006
Mumbled Remnants Of Snarf-time
I think she did call. I flip open my cell and check the call list. Sure enough, received call at two-fifteen, early bird time. So we had spoken. She had said those things. I had failed her in those ways. I ran away because I felt trapped.
“But you love me, don’t you?”
“Well, of course.”
“What, you loved me too much, so you had to move? Is placing two thousand miles between the one you love really love? You have hurt me, wounded me. But I have seen all this before. It always happens like this. Gemini’s can never make lasting friendships, anyway. It is all destined for misery in the end.”
But I am sorry. I have nothing to say and my silence is took to be some sort of judgment.
She accuses me of wanting her to feel this way. She says I am punishing her, a physical distancing on my part because of an emotional distancing on hers. But it is not like that. It never was. I mean, it is, but it is much more complicated than a simple summation of base evidence.
I need to smoke something. Watch some television, check email, box scores of basketball games.
I have to get my mind off her. Off of what I have potentially done. Digging around the paperclip, pencil and stationary drawer of my desk, I find a small glass jar of indica. It is really stony shit, guaranteed to get me floating through reflections wearing blinders and inflatable arm bands.
I spin around on the desk chair and flick the television remote. I like to watch nature shows with the sound off, some melancholy crooner melting violins in the background, and I sit puffing on a freshly rolled joint.
“But you love me, don’t you?”
“Well, of course.”
“What, you loved me too much, so you had to move? Is placing two thousand miles between the one you love really love? You have hurt me, wounded me. But I have seen all this before. It always happens like this. Gemini’s can never make lasting friendships, anyway. It is all destined for misery in the end.”
But I am sorry. I have nothing to say and my silence is took to be some sort of judgment.
She accuses me of wanting her to feel this way. She says I am punishing her, a physical distancing on my part because of an emotional distancing on hers. But it is not like that. It never was. I mean, it is, but it is much more complicated than a simple summation of base evidence.
I need to smoke something. Watch some television, check email, box scores of basketball games.
I have to get my mind off her. Off of what I have potentially done. Digging around the paperclip, pencil and stationary drawer of my desk, I find a small glass jar of indica. It is really stony shit, guaranteed to get me floating through reflections wearing blinders and inflatable arm bands.
I spin around on the desk chair and flick the television remote. I like to watch nature shows with the sound off, some melancholy crooner melting violins in the background, and I sit puffing on a freshly rolled joint.
Sunday, November 05, 2006
i wonder
at times before bed.
work clogs my brain.
i tried to talk to her tonight. she was back from a trip to the east coast, boston, on business for a few days, then the weekend with an old friend from college. she hadn't seen her in almost three years and i was happy for her. our communication is beginning to grow strained.. or is it because i am becoming sensitive to a dismal end, that i pick up on that which i never before noticed..
i hung out with doot this afternoon. such an adorable one. i find myself so attracted to her and she is clearly to me you could cut the tension, box it up and sell it as pure sex pheromone(sp). but our window together passed months back. i am reminded of a leperachaun in the play finnians rainbow, who sings,
"my hearts in a pickle,
its terribly fickle,
it ain't to0 particle, i fear,
cuz if i am not near,
the girl,
i love,
i love the girl
i'm near."
this is me. it is so hard to stay connected when the body cries!
on an unrelated note, my speakers don't work. this sucks. i want volume. i had a crap sunday that i blame on a lack of music. worse than just my speaks not working, the computer doesn't even recognize any output device. some weird malfunciton that, after some research, i find out apple doesn't even recognize it as existing, officially. so if you take your comp in for tests they will fiddle for two weeks, then give you a new computer. but why can't they just do that in the first place if they know, you ask? well, because of apple not officially recognizing it. bs. i need music. sound. happiness. how can they take that away?
this weekend we tried to see borat, but it was sold out. sally forgot to pick up tickets and we drove an hour for, what? a pancheros burrito? two joints of our own procurence and some laughs? i guess that is worth it. but the two hours in a car would have been easier, had my computer been able to plug in the dash and bump tunes. because, lets face it, i have the dopest tracks around. or do i think that because they are what i like? bleeeech.
stupid blog rhetoric.
it do bore me so.
i checked my profile today. zero views. how come? how does one find a blog anyway? by clicking "next?" or do people have to advertise to friends, strangers, get people to visit and endure..
i'd like some sort of validation. i think any that blog must admit that they, at some point in the sign up process, realize they do care, and want feedback. if you dont get feedback you dry up. right? normally, i'd say yes. but this one is more for me. a selfish one. it is just to get some stuff out into the open that i am having ahard time bringing into rational discourse, even with myself. i don't even have self critiquing sessions anymore where i reduce and evolve. i am becoming afraid of my life and the steps i seem to be taking. i don't feel like i have control over the steps.. i just watch my legs moving, one foot, the next, and on and on, not knowing to what direction i plod.
time for sleep. tomorrow might suck. i will try my best to wake up and get caffienated and be efficient, hard working and accomplish much. i hope trying is enough, when what i really want to do is get high and write, or at least pretend to write, maybe just wander about the parks feeling cold and lonely. why do i want to do that, anyhow? how lame of a desire is that? fast forward that thought twenty years and i'm just a bum. i'd rather not grow up to be abum.
so here's to tomorrow. may it not totally bite ass.
work clogs my brain.
i tried to talk to her tonight. she was back from a trip to the east coast, boston, on business for a few days, then the weekend with an old friend from college. she hadn't seen her in almost three years and i was happy for her. our communication is beginning to grow strained.. or is it because i am becoming sensitive to a dismal end, that i pick up on that which i never before noticed..
i hung out with doot this afternoon. such an adorable one. i find myself so attracted to her and she is clearly to me you could cut the tension, box it up and sell it as pure sex pheromone(sp). but our window together passed months back. i am reminded of a leperachaun in the play finnians rainbow, who sings,
"my hearts in a pickle,
its terribly fickle,
it ain't to0 particle, i fear,
cuz if i am not near,
the girl,
i love,
i love the girl
i'm near."
this is me. it is so hard to stay connected when the body cries!
on an unrelated note, my speakers don't work. this sucks. i want volume. i had a crap sunday that i blame on a lack of music. worse than just my speaks not working, the computer doesn't even recognize any output device. some weird malfunciton that, after some research, i find out apple doesn't even recognize it as existing, officially. so if you take your comp in for tests they will fiddle for two weeks, then give you a new computer. but why can't they just do that in the first place if they know, you ask? well, because of apple not officially recognizing it. bs. i need music. sound. happiness. how can they take that away?
this weekend we tried to see borat, but it was sold out. sally forgot to pick up tickets and we drove an hour for, what? a pancheros burrito? two joints of our own procurence and some laughs? i guess that is worth it. but the two hours in a car would have been easier, had my computer been able to plug in the dash and bump tunes. because, lets face it, i have the dopest tracks around. or do i think that because they are what i like? bleeeech.
stupid blog rhetoric.
it do bore me so.
i checked my profile today. zero views. how come? how does one find a blog anyway? by clicking "next?" or do people have to advertise to friends, strangers, get people to visit and endure..
i'd like some sort of validation. i think any that blog must admit that they, at some point in the sign up process, realize they do care, and want feedback. if you dont get feedback you dry up. right? normally, i'd say yes. but this one is more for me. a selfish one. it is just to get some stuff out into the open that i am having ahard time bringing into rational discourse, even with myself. i don't even have self critiquing sessions anymore where i reduce and evolve. i am becoming afraid of my life and the steps i seem to be taking. i don't feel like i have control over the steps.. i just watch my legs moving, one foot, the next, and on and on, not knowing to what direction i plod.
time for sleep. tomorrow might suck. i will try my best to wake up and get caffienated and be efficient, hard working and accomplish much. i hope trying is enough, when what i really want to do is get high and write, or at least pretend to write, maybe just wander about the parks feeling cold and lonely. why do i want to do that, anyhow? how lame of a desire is that? fast forward that thought twenty years and i'm just a bum. i'd rather not grow up to be abum.
so here's to tomorrow. may it not totally bite ass.
